Ok, so I wanted to write a blog about being mentally tough and the desire for greatness, or at least try to So forgive me if this blog is a bit all over the place but I kinda have a lot that I want to touch upon, and no clue how to say it.

I’ve been seriously training now for a couple months and I keep saying to people and to myself that “something’s different”. I'm not sure how to describe exactly what I mean, but my mentality; ability to tolerate pain, focus, and willingness to sacrifice is all changed.

The last time that I was in good shape was approximately 3 years ago, and the fitness semi carried over to that fall. I ran a pr in the mile, ran a decent 800 and a 5k pr. Since then i've been half assing my training until now. It's not that I was consciously making a decision to put in less work, or not train as hard. It's more that I just couldn't push through the days in which it was hard. I was stopping on runs, taking more easy days then I should’ve, not doing core work, not eating right. But again it wasn’t consciously; it was just that I felt like when it got hard I folded under the pressure.

I cannot pinpoint why the change, or what I’ve done differently exactly, but I have some ideas of why I'm in better shape. Though I can't speak TOO soon, I haven't raced on the track yet, and the workout I did Saturday wasn’t the GREATEST.

One of the biggest contributing factors is the hunger. I've heard this term used to describe the desire for greatness a few times in the last week. I'm hungry for it this year, for speed, for the feeling that my body is ready to run at any moment, for winning races, for seeing if I can push myself farther than I could in high school. I haven't felt this hunger in years; I haven't felt this ready to compete since high school. I'm looking up race videos, times, elite athletes’ advice. I'm devouring anything and everything I can get a hold of to satiate this metaphoric hunger and nothing is working, not the extra core work, not the running, not the race I just ran, or the track workouts I’m destroying. It's just making me more and more focused on one thing, running fast.

I used to think myself tougher than anyone I was racing against, I thought I trained harder than anyone and honestly felt that anyone who got on the track with me was going to get crushed. And to some extent that was true. It wasn’t until things got hard that I realized how mentally weak I really was. I was tough because things were easy for me. Now they are hard, I’ve battled injuries, doubt's, coaching changes, lack of fitness, and plain and simply lack of motivation and desire to run the past few years. I've asked myself more times then anyone “why do I keep doing this” and never had an answer.

I said to a friend in the fall as a joke that they didn't know the Justin of the past, the monster runner Justin, Who devored races and runners, who trained harder than anyone. I'm not sure I ever knew him, but if he exists still, if there is even a glimmer of that past me then he is coming out now.

Another reason I feel like something’s different this year is because I’m single. It's such a weird thing to attribute to my mindset but I think there might be something to it. When I wake up every day it becomes a concentrated focus on myself, how much am I running today, what am I doing, how much extra can I put in. My attention is not diverted by another,  I'm not saying that being in a relationship is bad for my running but with the amount I try to do between magic, running, chess, now work, something has got to give. Part of me thinks because my ex broke up with me I became more mentally hardened. Emotionally cold if you will. And perhaps a type of coldness is needed to get out the door and just crush what needs to be crushed. Instead of stopping or slowing down when things get hard I'm maintaining. I'm realizing more and more that the world is a dog eat dog cold world and to succeed especially in athletics you have to just focus on yourself.

I may be ahead of myself with all this I’m in shape talk, I mean a 16:49 5k is crap, it shouldn’t even be mentioned. But for it being the first race of the year and my best opener ever. I have to take that into consideration.

You know when I’ll know I’m finally in shape again? Beside a 800 pr? When im at 500-600 meters in to an 800 race and something snaps in my mind like it has SOO many times. When I tell myself that I can't do it and boom something takes hold and pulls me to the finish line. So far I haven't experienced that, but I know its coming.

The last thing I guess I want to say is that I’m trying to accept how weak I’ve been in the past, how much of a headcase I’ve been. I’ve been afraid to train, to race, to really get out there due to the humiliation of running times far slower than I know myself capable. I've been afraid of the pain, of hurting during a race or workout. But not anymore, something is different this year in that avenue too, my ability to tolerate pain or discomfort is beyond my previous years. Which is getting me through these 3 workouts a week and my runs.